Independent and FREE - 2021 Best Online Publication

What happens when you scoff four dozen oysters

Independent and FREE – 2021 Best Online Publication (Qld Country Press)

What happens when you scoff four dozen oysters


Sami Muirhead: this is what happens when you scoff four dozen oysters

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I am clearly not too old to learn a good lesson in life when it comes to old-fashioned greed.

Oyster-gate just went down at the Gold Coast after I experienced my first all-you-can-eat seafood buffet.

I treated this dinner like an Olympic event and talked about it in the lead-up for weeks with excitement. I prayed oysters would be included because I have never had more than half a dozen oysters in one go, and even then it is always for special occasions.

So, to think I could scoff as many as I wanted of those slippery little suckers had me in a spin.

I hit the buffet with gusto and inhaled both half a dozen natural oysters and half a dozen Kilpatrick. Winning. Back I went to do it all again. Twelve more! Still winning! And still rubbing my greedy belly with joy. I circled back to the seafood for a third time and scoffed another dozen oysters.

My kids were looking at me as if I had gone mad. Instead of deciding to stop eating like a pig, I forfeited dessert, and made the huge mistake of going back for a fourth serving of a dozen more oysters.

Turns out there really is too much of a good thing. Charlie Chaplin once said, “Greed has poisoned men’s souls.” I was so sick from eating too much and now I am afraid I will never be able to eat an oyster ever again. My buddy Caroline cannot stomach sauvignon blanc and of course we all know someone who cannot tolerate tequila, rum or gin after one too many one night.

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Another friend, Soraya, cannot stomach pea and ham soup because she had to eat so much of it as a kid. Lizzy is sworn off donuts for life after winning a donut-eating competition as a little girl. And Pam cannot stand pineapples after working in a pineapple cannery for a fortnight many decades ago. Katrina cannot bear to smell Darrell Lea chocolates after working there for years and overindulging. Elaine’s enemies are pickled onions after eating too many as a kid.

And for all of you with your mind in the gutter thinking my husband may have enjoyed the side benefits of me consuming all those oysters, since they are aphrodisiacs, let me just tell you we went back to the hotel room when I very quickly changed into elasticised pants and passed out moaning on the couch.

What a catch he landed when he married me!