Sometimes I think I should be running the big companies and give up my day job that largely involves drinking cups of green tea and daydreaming about what savoury biscuit I will be eating for my snacks.
Speaking of snacks, I was surprised, confused and angry to read the news that Allen’s confectionery company is discontinuing Fantales.
Forever.
The iconic teeth-testing-enemy-of-all-fillings chocolate caramel lolly has been around for nearly a century.
That is a long time.
Parent company Nestle shocked many of us when it announced it would cease production of the crowd favourite.
Fantales were first created in 1930 when the Golden Age of Hollywood had people flocking to the movies.
To ride the wave, the chewy cubes of heaven were wrapped with ‘fan tales’ of actors and musicians on their wrappers.
Who doesn’t love reading out the cryptic clues before plopping that cube in your mouth?
The company cited “declining sales and a need for significant upgrades” at its Melbourne factory as the reasons to delete Fantales.
It made me think of all the sweet treats that should be scrapped before Fantales are given a funeral.
Get rid of any of those gross sour lollies my kids love to eat: sour rockets, sour worms, sour straps, sour gummy bears.
They are all gross and an assault on our tongues.
Say farewell to Skittles.
Those chewy little bright buttons make me want to be ill at the thought of them.
And how about any flavoured jellybean except the black ones?
Get rid of all of them and just keep black jellybeans, thank you very much.
There is a reason the chemist sells only bags of black ones (okay, I know there are red ones, too, but that is not necessary to raise at this stage).
And you know what these bosses who seem disconnected from Aussies and their sweet tooth can bring back to the shelves?
The Polly Waffle. The Jelly Tip ice cream. The Sunny Boy pyramid ice block. Yogos. Yes!
Wouldn’t we all be dancing in the streets if that happened? You betcha.
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And stop introducing novelty flavours such as Iced Vo Vo TimTams.
Who wants raspberry-flavoured Twisties? No one.
Just stick to the purist lines and we will be a happier country.
So, if you see a bag of Fantales on the shelves, make sure you grab them because you could be sitting on a fortune.
But you may lose that fortune found, if they pull out all your fillings.
Sami Muirhead is a radio announcer, blogger and commentator. For more from Sami, tune into Mix FM.
