I am renowned in our family as the unhandy man of the highest order.
I was reminded of this the other day when I turned on my sprinkler system that I assembled myself many years ago and has never worked quite right – i.e. has a habit of water shooting out in the wrong direction etc.
I turned it on and was patrolling the perimeter to find out which bits weren’t working when I spied through the base of a cluster of fish-tail palms, a sprinkler that wasn’t sprinkling, so I stuck my head between the palm trunks and wiggled the sprinkler.
Two things happened: I got sprayed with the carcass of a dead lizard that was obviously blocking the hole, and I took the skin off the back of both my ears as my head flew back jamming them between two trunks of the palm.
It turns out that what goes into a gap doesn’t necessarily come out when you have ears that resemble a VW with the doors open.
I ended up with what looked like an ear-hair removal cream that went horribly wrong, grazed skin and splinters inclusive.
When I lamented how unlucky I was to dear uncaring other half, I was reminded of how many “unlucky” things have happened to me around the house.
Like the time I fixed the lead to the vacuum cleaner, but had the wires around the wrong way and nearly blew myself and the house up.
Or the time I changed the washer on the hot water tap in the shower and old mate got pinned against the wall by hot water gushing from the wall.
Then there was the time our street had a bit of a competition on who could have the best Christmas lights, and I tried to do an impersonation of Chevy Chase in National Lampoons Griswall Christmas – and while my effort wasn’t as spectacular, I managed to accidentally staple through the cable and shorted out everything in the house.
Which brings me to my point: just the other day, I was watching them prepare to put up the Christmas decorations in Buhk Park as we are only a few months from Christmas. Even though I am not the most festive person in the world I have to take my hat off to those folk that decorate their houses and yards with all things Christmas, mostly for other people’s pleasure.
Now I do love looking at other people’s work and, obviously not capable of doing it myself, but also would never do it as I would not want people like me walking or driving past gawking at my house.
I would be like an old Grinch, pegging empty stubbies at them, telling them to go away, which sort of sums up my personality and something finally that I would be good at.
Ashley Robinson is a columnist with Sunshine Coast News and My Weekly Preview. His views are his own.
