Is beer better than wine? I am still licking my wounds after being a member in a debating team as we slogged it out with our words.

I was team wine and argued wine is in fact superior to ale.

You see wine is my favourite four-letter word. And you can use it to self-test for COVID-19 which is important given we need to stay vigilant and keep the lurgy at bay.

It is a two-step simple self-test. You simply sniff your wine. If you can smell, there is a great chance you do not have COVID-19.

Then you have a swig of your favourite Merlot. If you can taste, then that is further proof you probably do not have COVID-19.

I did this self-test 45 times yesterday to be vigilant. Boom- tish!

My joke went well and on I waffled with my wine-winning facts.

Wine is responsible for seductions, scandals and salacious stories. From the goon box to a bottle of Grange we bottle our dreams, hopes and love and pour them out in the form of wine.

We turn to wine to toast our special occasions in life and to punctuate we are alive. We toast with wine when we are getting married, engaged, getting a promotion, having a birthday or an anniversary.

When my Dad died my siblings drank a special bottle of red wine on the beach. I will always keep this cork.

My point is this – drinking wine separates us from animals. Anyone can slop water, barley and hops from a trough – but only humans can pour, ponder and pucker our lips at that first taste of the grapes from God.

Jesus did not turn water into beer, did he? No, Jesus turned water into wine as the ultimate act of all time.

We sip the stars when we drink champagne.

And do not even get me started on moobs. Man boobs are caused by excess beer consumption. Craft beer hipsters of today are the Berlei bra buyers of tomorrow.

We gave it our best shot, but team wine lost to team beer in our debate. Perhaps I should have spent more time researching than drinking to prepare for the grape debate.