A colleague of mine recently raised this question after seeing a number of couples where men were becoming defensive after their partner shared a valid concern. She asks why men are so sensitive to criticism? Of course, most people don't like to be criticised, but some people appear to be especially sensitive to this.
I think there are different explanations for such strong responses. Often it is simply the timing that is wrong - choosing to speak to give someone constructive feedback when they are stressed or in a bad mood. You can increase the likelihood of getting a better response simply by choosing a better time and place. However, most people, I think, do have sensitivities of one sort or another. Some people respond very strongly to loud volume, disrespectful tones and even certain facial expressions. Others can apparently respond poorly when their partner wants to connect with friends or have some individual space, mis-reading this as rejection.
Life experiences can also make us more sensitive. When you have had painful life experiences, it only takes a light touch to trigger a strong response. Others have had the opposite experience, perhaps having been raised in families which were very nurturing and respectful. Both of these types of life experience can make some people sensitive to criticism and more likely to mis-read some communications as personal attacks, even when this is not intended.
Of course, there are other explanations for strong responses to criticism. Some people have a very strong psychological need to feel valued and respected. Others are living their life out-of-balance and their behaviour is a symptom of doing so for too long. Other couples have simply fallen into a rut and doing the automatic fight or flight response. If you are struggling with changing such behaviour, this is when professional help is warranted.
Ken Warren is a leading Relationship Counsellor. Check out his upcoming seminar, How to Deal with Angry and Demanding People, through
www.kenwarren.com.au
