THE jury is in. Research by Latrobe University has found that although relationship breakdown does affect the entire family, what causes harm to children is being exposed to ongoing conflict between their parents. So, how can you reduce the tension that tends to accompany relationship breakdown?
The most important thing, I think, is wanting to let go of hurt or anger over time, if not for yourself then at least for your children's sake. If you want this badly enough, you tend to find a way of doing so. Some people find a balance between allowing themselves to express painful feelings with good support people, but then practising saying to themselves, 'I want to let go of this'. Over time, your emotions tend to fall into line with such thinking.
Others choose to deliberately interrupt thinking that feeds the negative emotions or to think compassionately towards their ex-partner. Examples are, 'Maybe they are doing the best they know how' or 'Maybe if I change my behaviour, they will too'. Many people need to start thinking before they speak as hostile thinking or simply reacting tend to make things worse. I suggest practising thoughts like, 'Do I need to say this at all and, if so, what's the best way and time I can say it', or 'The children's well-being is more important than my hurt and anger'.
When you are thinking more helpfully, it becomes a little easier to change your behaviour. When discussing differences, focus more on needs and interests. An example of this is, 'The kids need to see both of us regularly' rather than taking a position that invites arguments such as, 'I want the kids 3 nights every week'. Keep the focus on generating solutions for the future rather than allocating blame for the past. If you can't agree on long-term arrangements, then at least agree on something for the short-term.
If there is a lot of conflict at changeovers, you can reduce tensions by organising other times to talk, arranging other people to be present, or organising a different changeover location. With very hostile relationships, you will be better to either communicate by email, fax or text message or to use a professional mediator in whom you both have confidence. In all your dealings with your ex-partner, it is important to have a plan for dealing with likely challenges that eases rather than exacerbates the tensions.
I will be soon be running a seminar with Family Law Specialist, Pippa Colman, called How to Deal with a Hostile Ex-partner. The seminar will be held from 7pm to 9pm on Friday 2 March at the Landmark Resort, Mooloolaba, Qld. To register or gain further details, telephone my office on 5443 7626 or visit
http://kenwarren.com.au/ex-partner.html
